Forever in My Heart

Two years ago, while I was still pregnant with Anna, I really struggled with missing my mom during the holiday season.  Night after night, I had dreams of my mom and I would wake up in tears.  It was an especially difficult season for me. But during that time, I was convicted by the Lord that I did not want the pain that God had allowed in my life to be wasted.

Somehow I wanted God to use my testimony to bless and encourage others who were also hurting during Christmas time.  I talked to my pastor Colin and he gave me the opportunity to share my testimony at church.

I was very nervous about it, but my sweet husband Brad stood by my side the entire time I shared. It was an emotional testimony for me, and there were a couple of times I was unable to speak because of the emotions I was experiencing, but God graciously got me through it.

It was one of the most healing things I have done in my life and the Lord was faithful and did touch others through my story.  There were people in the congregation who had lost their moms at a young age and were comforted that they were not alone in their pain, there were teens who were struggling with being submissive to their parents and were convicted to honor them, and there were others who were hurting for entirely other reasons but were encouraged to hold onto hope even in their pain. Sharing my testimony was a beautiful gift from the Lord.


This is an ornament in honor of my mom that hangs on my tree and here is the testimony that I shared (complete with photos):

My name is Lauren Holmes, and this is my husband Brad. We are the parents to two little girls and we have one more on the way.  I grew up in the Dallas/ Fort Worth Metroplex and was blessed to be raised in a Christian home.  Both of my parents were imperfect but were incredible examples to me of what it is to have faith in Jesus Christ. I especially had great admiration for my mom. She was a strong, wise, generous and kind woman. I considered my mom my best friend and enjoyed being around her more than anyone else.  

Despite our closeness, in the year 1998, I was also seventeen and a teenager.  I loved being around my friends and having a little independence.  On the Eve of Christmas Eve a friend of mine called to see if I wanted to go with her to the Galleria in Dallas. The Galleria was the most glitzy of all the malls and I hadn’t been all that year. I really wanted to go and I expected my mom to say “yes”, but much to my surprise she told me that she didn’t feel comfortable with me going.  I assumed it was because of the weather and I told her that my friend’s dad would be driving us.  She told me again, “Lauren, you can not go tonight”.  At first, I was really disappointed and even felt a little rebellion in my heart toward her.  But I can also remember feeling God convicting me that He wanted me to honor my mom, even if her decisions didn’t make sense to me. So instead, I decided to enjoy the evening with her. 

It was a casual night, we just sat on her bed, with the television on, and wrapped some last-minute Christmas gifts.   She gave me control of the remote and I randomly chose the old “dating game”. One of the prospective dates had pink hair and had an interesting perspective on life.  We got a good laugh from hearing his answers and I remember her encouraging me that she was praying for the man I would marry.  I felt self-conscious that I had not kissed a boy. My mom however encouraged me and told me that she was confident that the boy I saved my kiss for would be very honored.   And she was right, my husband, Brad, was very honored that I had saved my kiss for him, the gift of her encouraging word to guard my purity was just one of the gifts she gave me.

Also, that night I shared my admiration for her and the great love the three of her kids had for her.  

I remember telling her, “Mom I don’t know any kids who love their mom as much as we love you.”

She looked at me with surprise. 

With complete humility, she asked, “Really?”

I responded with a smile, “Yes, really!”  

Then I added, “BUT I don’t know any mom who loves her kids more than you love us.”

She most exemplified the unconditional love that my Heavenly Father has for His children.  I was always amazed that my mom knew most all of my flaws, and yet she still loved and accepted me.  I am so thankful to God for the evening we shared that night. I believe it was the Lord who gave my mom an intuition that I shouldn’t go to be with my friends that night and me a submissive heart to honor my mom even when I didn’t fully understand.  I told my mom good night that evening and told her I loved her.

The next morning, I woke up excited, eagerly awaiting all the traditional festivities Christmas Eve held for my family.  My mom had made her famous divinity, fudge, and homemade chocolate chip cookies.  We would have some of her chili that night before going to the Candlelight service at our church. Afterwards, we would go look at Christmas lights and come home to play some family games and eat crackers and dip.  We would then open one Christmas Eve present, which was always pajamas and an ornament.

That morning I went downstairs to find my mom still sleeping.  My dad had already gone to work that day and I was really surprised that she was still in bed. It wasn’t like her to sleep in and I knew she had some more things she wanted to get done before my grandparents got in that afternoon.  At first, I didn’t know what to do and thought perhaps she needed her sleep.  But then I decided it would be best if I woke her up, so she wouldn’t be so stressed that day.  I tried to wake her up and was unsuccessful, so I called my younger brother and sister to come help wake mom up.  None of us were able to do it, so I finally told my brother to call 911.   I was still in denial that there was anything seriously wrong, I just didn’t know what else to do.  

As more time went by, I became more anxious. While waiting for the ambulance, I remember crawling into the bed with her, kissing her face, with tears steaming down my face, and begging her to “please wake up”.

We went to the hospital that morning, following the ambulance and my pastor told me the news that my mom had died.  At the age of 40, my mom had died of arrhythmia of the heart in her sleep. 

That day I felt like my world crumbled.  As a young child, I, like many other children, had a fear of losing my mom. But I always comforted myself that God wouldn’t allow my mom to die, because He knew that I couldn’t handle it.  But I was wrong; God often gives us things that we can’t handle, so we can turn to him in our pain.  He was my comfort in my grief, and day-by-day I chose to rest in knowing that HE loved me and had a plan for me.

Nearly four years after my mom’s death, I met Brad while a junior in college. We began seriously dating with the intention of getting married.  During that time, we talked a lot about our hopes and expectations for the future.  On one of those occasions, Brad asked me “Do you think Christmas will be a sad time for our family?”.  Initially, I was stunned by his question. I had honestly not given much thought to how Christmas would look for my future husband and children someday.  Ever since my mom’s death, the Christmas holidays had become a time I tried to survive.  My mom had been the one who had made Christmas such a special time for our family and she was no longer there to celebrate with us. Not only that, but because of her untimely death during the holidays, everything associated with Christmas, the carols, decorations, Christmas parties, reminded me and took me back to the day that I had lost my mom.

But Brad’s question really stirred up in me the desire to think about how I wanted my FUTURE Christmases to look like. My mom had loved Christmas. She loved celebrating the birth of her Savior and I knew in my heart that she would have wanted me to find joy in my Savior’s birthday too.  So the first thing Brad and I did to start building new, happier memories during the holidays was to commit our lives to one another before our Lord, family and friends.    

In 2004, we had a Christmas wedding on December 18^th.  The processional song that we walked out to as husband and wife was “Joy to the World”.  It was a beautiful day for me.

In 2005, we celebrated Christmas, with our 2 ½ month old honeymoon baby, Jillian Laurelee.  Jillian’s middle name is in honor of her grandma in Heaven.  

In 2006, we were living in England, and this is a picture of us at Brad’s Christmas graduate college party. Jillian had just met Father Christmas and was given a lambie that sang “Jesus loves me”. 

In 2007, we were still in England and we had a new arrival. This is Brad, Faith and I playing the nativity family at our church.

In 2008, we moved to Maryland and celebrated here. This is a family portrait of the four of us.

Finally, this is a picture of my girls and I (with another baby girl on the way) from 2009. We were wrapping some special Christmas gifts for the Angel Tree. My two girls were my big helpers.  

Christmas, as well as all the other milestones of my life are still a hard time for me. I miss my mom and I wish that she were still here.  Sometimes, I even daydream of what it would be like to be able to go home to see her for the holidays.  I can just imagine the joy it would have brought to my mom to have her grandchildren with her and to get to make some homemade cookies with them.  But I know that will never be in this life.  I find comfort in knowing that God is God and I am not. He knows what is best in His infinite wisdom and I don’t have to have all the answers to my questions. I just need to trust in Him.

This Christmas Eve and many before I have woken with Lamentations 3:22-24 on my heart:

Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, Therefore I hope in Him!”